I don’t even want to forget as much as I want to quit obsessing. Well, there is more to “it” than that, I mean, I want more.
I want full disclosure, I want 100% truth, but he is a prideful man. There is no way he would be willing to admit to the fact he has been less than perfect. And, this is what kills me. I am at a loss. So many people think that him being honest should not matter but to me it does. And now, I’m at a loss.
I find myself begging God to cause him to be truthful with me. I beg, plead and call out that he will break and tell me he’s sorry and want’s to move forward. Instead, each time it is brought up intentionally or not, he denies, but he does so in a way that lets both of us know he is lying. We both know it. For some reason when these conversations come up, the words that I have planned to say, stick to my tongue. For some reason, I let the conversation just dwindle out, and I don’t know why. It’s as if at the very moment it happens this energy comes over me that says: Oh, it’s all okay. It’s about you now, as long as he knows you suspect, it’s all that matters. A day after the missed opportunity I’m back to kicking myself and begging God once again for the perfect occasion to say something, again.